101 Ways To Be An Idiot: Chapter 6

So a few days ago I woke up late and left my house in a mad rush, literally running late for work.

As I was half-sprinting towards the bus-stop, I could vaguely hear the familiar roaring of bus service 145's engine. (Yes, I'm so finely tuned to my neighbourhood that I can differentiate the bus services just by listening to the engine alone.)

To my extreme horror, the sound was getting fainter which only meant that the bus was leaving the bus-stop.

Natural instincts injected a fresh dose of adrenaline through my legs as I powered my way forward.

Sadly, even though I managed to smash the World Record for the event "100m Bus-Stop Sprint", I was rewarded with a sight of probably the only butt in the world which I hate to see, THE BUTT OF MY BUS.

"Bus-ket!" (I know it's lame, but I couldn't help it.)

And thus I began my lonely wait for the next bus in the very empty bus-stop.

Seriously, waiting for the bus at a bus-stop devoid of the working crowd at 8.30am on a normal weekday makes you feel like an ultra-loser.

Five minutes passed, there was no sign of the bus.

Ten minutes passed, the bus hasn't came yet but more and more people began to stream into the bus-stop.

Fifteen minutes passed, still no sign of the bus but the bus-stop was once again populated with life.

The bus finally made its grand appearance on the 20th minute of my wait.

Apparently, I was one of the first few to have noticed that the bus.

Being the kiasu Singaporean that I am, I plotted and schemed to put myself at the front of the pack.

Oh, how proud was I when I somehow managed to attain the coveted position.

Next I sank my hand into my pocket, ready to whip out my trusty EZ-Link card.

To my extreme horror *insert paramount sense of déjà vu here* ...

MY EZ-LINK WASN'T IN MY POCKET!

I desperately dug around my pocket but all I could feel were MY BALLS.

I LEFT THE CARD ON MY TABLE BACK AT HOME OMFG!

Imagine my embarassment when I had to squeeze and claw my way out of the crowd behind me and head back home for my EZ-Link card.

Bah, why didn't I checked for my EZ-Link card throughout the whole 20 minutes while I was waiting for the bus?!

I could have went home and get back like 5 times and STILL make it in time for the bus.

I ended up having to take a cab down to my workplace.

This whole episode wasted 20 minutes of my life, and $7.50 of my hard-earned money.

Just another chapter in... 101 Ways To Be An Idiot.

101 Ways To Be An Idiot: Chapter 5

So I woke up this morning without being awake.

Using sheer will alone, I managed to muster enough energy to lumber into the bathroom.

Still with my eyes wide shut, basic instinct took control as I attempted to bathe myself.

The bath was quite a success and it was then time for my facial wash.

I thought to myself, "Oh come on, I managed to get to the bathroom, bathe, and dry myself all with my eyes closed. It's just a facial wash, maybe I can sleep through this too..."

I proceeded to reach for the tube with my right hand and squeezed the paste into my left palm.

Then, I started to rub the paste between my palms in a circular motion.

Lastly, I applied the paste onto my beautiful face.

Nothing wrong up till this moment right?

Yeah nothing was wrong...

UNTIL I FELT THIS BURNING SENSATION ON MY FACE!

I tried to open my eyes a little to take a look at the tube of paste I just used.

Despite my face feeling like it caught on fire, my brain worked in slo-mo.

C...O...L...G...A...T...E...

COLGATE?!? Wasn't my facial wash supposed to be spelled as NIVEA?

OH MY GOD I SQUEEZED THE TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE INSTEAD OF THE TUBE OF FACIAL WASH.

I tried to douse the flames with the running tap.

I was even this close to dipping my entire head into the toilet bowl and taking a flush.

Alright, allow me to explain before all of you smart- asses go like, "Haha! Serves you right for wanting to sleep so much! None of this would have happened if you weren't so lazy!"

You have to understand that sleep is an especially important aspect of life to a fit and healthy man such as myself. I live by the mantra: "Sleep whenever we can, however we can." Otherwise, how else do we find the limitless energy needed to tackle Life's never-ending challenges?

So after this small little incident, I decided to add a little extra bit to my mantra.

"Sleep whenever you can, however you can. Maybe except not during facial wash time."

Just another chapter in... 101 Ways To Be An Idiot.

101 Ways To Be An Idiot: Chapter 4!

HURRAY! Everyone's favourite segment is back by popular demand! Once again, it's time for more laughs and mishaps...

So I was at Jurong Point with my baobei yesterday and had just devoured the Thai Combo Set at Bentobox. The food was great, but the lethal combination of Tom Yum Soup and Ice Lemon Tea proved too much for my teeny-weeny bladder to handle.

Therefore after the meal, I rushed to the toilet and went straight to the urinal like a homing missile locked onto its target. I was just beginning to unleash my wrath into the urinal, when a burly man took up his position in front of the urinal just beside mine.

At first I was kinda uneasy to notice that he was standing about 30 cm away from the urinal when he begun his own assault in the urinal. Alright. Up until this point in time, nothing seems to be awfully wrong right?

Although I did not foresee the repercussions of his long range artillery attack, I certainly felt it in the next second.

HIS FREAKING PISS REBOUNDED OFF THE WALLS OF THE URINAL AND A MIST OF WARM HUMAN JUICE SETTLED ONTO MY LEFT LEG!!!

I WAS TOTALLY CAUGHT OFF GUARD!!!

My response mechanism immediately kicked in. The bladder automatically shut down my internal piping system and my legs carried me to the urinal 2 units away. Then, I turned my attention over to the burly man, stared in his direction and braced myself for his apology.

He didn't even seemed to have noticed the disaster that had happened to me! Perhaps he was too concentrated on his training to break some sort of twisted Guinness World Record.

Like a cooling breeze that brought away the dew drops upon the leaves, so too was the air-conditioner, which was fast drying up the piss that was held by the fine coat of hair that grew on my legs. After giving a last burst of fire before I headed into a cubicle where I grabbed and pulled furiously for toilet paper to wipe away the vile concoction on my beautiful leg.

I learnt a valuable lesson from this. That is, if you notice someone standing 30cm (or more) away from the urinal just beside yours, turn and run for your life.

Just another chapter in... 101 Ways To Be An Idiot.



P.S. I started from Chapter 4 onwards because in the previous incarnation of this blog, I stopped at Chapter 3. If you want to read the previous chapters, just mail me $5 and I will email those chapters to you. Thank you and have a nice day!