101 Ways To Be An Idiot: Chapter 4!

HURRAY! Everyone's favourite segment is back by popular demand! Once again, it's time for more laughs and mishaps...

So I was at Jurong Point with my baobei yesterday and had just devoured the Thai Combo Set at Bentobox. The food was great, but the lethal combination of Tom Yum Soup and Ice Lemon Tea proved too much for my teeny-weeny bladder to handle.

Therefore after the meal, I rushed to the toilet and went straight to the urinal like a homing missile locked onto its target. I was just beginning to unleash my wrath into the urinal, when a burly man took up his position in front of the urinal just beside mine.

At first I was kinda uneasy to notice that he was standing about 30 cm away from the urinal when he begun his own assault in the urinal. Alright. Up until this point in time, nothing seems to be awfully wrong right?

Although I did not foresee the repercussions of his long range artillery attack, I certainly felt it in the next second.

HIS FREAKING PISS REBOUNDED OFF THE WALLS OF THE URINAL AND A MIST OF WARM HUMAN JUICE SETTLED ONTO MY LEFT LEG!!!

I WAS TOTALLY CAUGHT OFF GUARD!!!

My response mechanism immediately kicked in. The bladder automatically shut down my internal piping system and my legs carried me to the urinal 2 units away. Then, I turned my attention over to the burly man, stared in his direction and braced myself for his apology.

He didn't even seemed to have noticed the disaster that had happened to me! Perhaps he was too concentrated on his training to break some sort of twisted Guinness World Record.

Like a cooling breeze that brought away the dew drops upon the leaves, so too was the air-conditioner, which was fast drying up the piss that was held by the fine coat of hair that grew on my legs. After giving a last burst of fire before I headed into a cubicle where I grabbed and pulled furiously for toilet paper to wipe away the vile concoction on my beautiful leg.

I learnt a valuable lesson from this. That is, if you notice someone standing 30cm (or more) away from the urinal just beside yours, turn and run for your life.

Just another chapter in... 101 Ways To Be An Idiot.



P.S. I started from Chapter 4 onwards because in the previous incarnation of this blog, I stopped at Chapter 3. If you want to read the previous chapters, just mail me $5 and I will email those chapters to you. Thank you and have a nice day!

Goodbye NUS... Hello NTU!

"I regret to inform you that..."

That was the first thing I heard upon entering my house. It was my father. My spider sense immediately foretold that he had received the letter from Nanyang Technological University (NTU) regarding my admission into Communication Studies.

My heart sank.

And then I saw the letter. It was still in basking in its own majestic glory, all wrapped up in a nice little enveloped colored red and white. So now I know where I got my I-Like-To-Pull-Pranks-On-Other-People Gene from. So, I dived for the envelope and tore it open much like a starved caveman who chanced upon a piping-hot piece of KFC crispy drumstick.

"Congratulations! The University Admission Selection Committee has approved..."

Yayee~

I was seriously mentally preparing myself for rejection. Can't say I was really outstanding during the admission test cum interview. Nonetheless, Lady Luck is and always will be my BFF and this time she smiled on me yet again. Perhaps not just merely a smile, she probably LAUGH OUT LOUD-ED.

Anyways, I'm truly grateful to be accepted into Communication Studies! Because in a few months' time I can...

1) Have breakfast, brunch, lunch, high tea, low tea, dinner and supper with my baobei
2) Officially go brokeback with Jim in our warm and cozy hostel
3) Meet up with all my bestest friends and save on traveling fares

Whoo hoO~ Communication Studies here I come!!!

Alright for now I shall go and sacrifice some more nuggets to show my gratitude.

My Thesis on National Service!

Since it is a rite of passage to write about your NS experience, I'll be doing this to keep the tradition going. So here it goes...

I would like to begin by stating that possibly ALL Singaporean males detest Army life except for the few who wake up in the dead of the night, put on their Full Battle Order and start marching around the bunk while they are still ASLEEP. So I'll start with the 3 reasons why the Army is a nightmare for NSFs (Full-Time National Servicemen).

First of all, for some reason, your direct superiors cannot communicate normally. Normal meaning how a person would talk to his friends/colleagues/people in general. They absolutely MUST talk to you as if you have murdered their parents and you owe them a living. Perhaps the best word to use here is not talk, I'll change that to SHOUT. Also, Army personnel don't use punctuation like commas and full-stops (although they use exclamations a lot), instead using vulgarities to replace them.

A simple statement like:
"Hey Recruit Lim, can you stop resting for a moment? Help me go fill up that Jerry Can with water."

Through the mouth of an experienced army personnel, it will become:
"Oi Recruit Lim cheebye you trying to chao geng right? Kanina faster go and fill that fucking Jerry Can with water!"

Secondly, they pretty much swing threats at you whenever the slightest mistakes are made. Trust me no sane person in this world likes to live in fear of extra duties, confinements or in the worse case scenario, DB (AKA Detention Barracks which is the army equivalent of the Changi Prison and probably the most feared acronym out of the gazillions used by the Army). Some examples include:

"How come your uniform color so faded! Wanna get extra?"

"Urinal how come got yellow stain! Wanna be confined?"

"You dare to talk back to me? Wanna go DB?"

Last but not least, there is a pretty famous mantra in the Army that goes by, "Rush to wait, wait to rush." Your superiors will typically rush you to get things done (E.G. change into PT attire, arrive at the next venue) and make it feel like the end of the world if it is not completed in an instant. But when you have finally completed the task assigned, something will crop up on their side and you will find yourself waiting for them instead. Thus, to prevent yourself from going mad just recite the above mantra in your mind like 26532 times (On average that's the amount of chants you have to do before they finally arrive).

Despite all that has been said above, I guess it is still possible to make the Army experience enjoyable, you just have to know where to look. For me, it was the people whom I got to know that made the experience so much more memorable. Like myself, the ones beside me were unwilling servants too. Although there were some tough times, it was always comforting to know that I was not alone. Somehow having your buddies go through the same shit as you, makes the process much less of a torture.

So you see, National Service isn't really so dreadful. You just have to learn to find the joy (OR you could just get an 8-5.30 posting... LIKE ME MUAHAHA!).

(Re-)Opening Ceremony of a Long Lost Friend

*Brushes off the thick layer of dust that has descended upon this space*

It's been a mighty long time since I last wrote in you Mr. Great Old thefunkymunky.blogspot.com. Hope you didn't miss me as much as I missed you.

A few days ago I spelled "tomorrow" as "tml" in a letter I drafted, and in that instant, I figured it was an omen from you to me to use you again. I'm indeed in a dire need of some practice before University Life actually begins. Can't imagine how I'm going to write all those papers without getting myself to spell right.

Your humble servant is here now and bent down on his knees, begging you Mr. Great Old thefunkymunky.blogspot.com to help me find back my old self once again.

*Proceeds to sacrifice a pair of chicken wings and 2 nuggets*